Today I sat in that courtroom again. The court room where we sat for numerous Judicial Reviews, with and without our (then) foster daughter. The room in which E's biological mother was "outed" for underage drinking and "not benefiting from services" - she wasn't doing her case plan and didn't seem to care. The room in which the judge ordered a psych eval on bio mom. The room in which E's biological mother tried to convince everyone that she didn't mean to sign surrenders, and should get her parental rights back. The room in which we found out that bio mom's parents were going to get involved. The room in which the maternal grandfather & step grandmother's attorney insinuated that E could handle a placement change at 2 years of age (she was actually 20 months, but whatever), and that the next 16 years of her life needed to be spent with her grandparents, not us (his words, not mine...although I would've said "the rest of her life" not just the next 16 years?? Oh well). The room in which Judge G thanked us, over and over again, for "all we were doing" for E. The room in which we saw friends adopt and become forever families. The room in which Judge G excluded the grandparents from the case and denied their petition for adoption. The room in which I bawled my eyes out when Judge G said we could adopt our precious girl. The room in which, after so many prayers, tears, and so much fighting for our baby girl's best interests....she became a Santana.
So many emotions, just one court room.
Today's outcome unfortunately is going to be added to the "negative" column. As I sat behind my dear friend, who was holding an adorable little 4 month old in a "little sister" onesie; listened to her husband plead with the judge and explain why she should stay with them; watched their adopted son play with his half sister (biological!) and then watched in horror as the unthinkable happened: the judge granted the biological parents' motion to intervene and allow a relative to privately adopt her.
My friend has had this baby since she was two days old - picked her up from the hospital! This biological family had 9 months to plan a private adoption - why wait until now?
The questions I have far outweigh the answers in these sort of situations...
-how is this legal?
-why are parents, WHO HAVE LOST CUSTODY, allowed to make life-altering decisions for these vulnerable children? (who are they to say these people are ok??)
-why are the laws written to be SO in favor of parental rights?
-where, for the love, are the CHILDREN'S RIGHTS?? And why aren't THOSE rights being protected?
-why does "the system" care more about numbers and getting cases off of their desks instead of truly caring about the best interest of the children they are supposed to be caring for?!
I could go on and on...but the bottom line is this:
THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN.
THE WORLD IS BROKEN.
But right now, my heart is broken, too. My friend's heart is broken. Her husband's heart is broken. Their other kids' hearts are broken. Our community of family members, church members, friends and acquaintances who are familiar with this family and this story...are heart-broken. This precious baby girl was here one moment and gone the next. As I watched my friend change her baby girl out of the "little sister" onesie and into a generic one, and then hand her over to her new pre-adoptive father, my stomach turned. I literally felt her pain. Because I know all too well how easily that could've been me, handing over E to her biological grandparents.
We watched the pre-adoptive couple walk out of the courthouse today with this baby, OUR baby, my friends' baby, her son's sister...and it's just hard. It stinks. This is the part of foster care that everyone is scared of, and the reason a lot of people won't even do it. There are no real answers. There are no "fix-it" words. Sometimes there's just nothing we can do. And it's just hard.
But we can always pray. We can always allow our friends who are hurting to heal, vent, cry, or even ignore and deflect for a while if that's what they need. This journey of fostering and adopting is difficult, sometimes it feels lonely, and most times it's frustrating and confusing. It is faith-stretching in ways nothing else is.
Today I was reminded how sometimes we only see the here and now - we can't see the bigger picture and we can't imagine what God has planned, why He's allowed us into a certain situation, and what we're supposed to learn or gain from it. Sometimes none of it seems to make any sense, and in our flesh we start to question if we did something wrong, didn't try or fight hard enough for it, or why someone else gets a blessing but we don't. And I'm reminded that everything happens for a reason. God isn't surprised by court rulings, parental mistakes, children's behavior (our behavior...), or anything else for that matter. He knows. He cares. He's got a plan.
When we were in the middle of our custody battle for E, I often questioned the Lord..."Why is this happening? No one in their right mind can tell me it's going to be best for her to leave us...this is all she's ever known!" I was frustrated and scared. Now, on the flip side of it all, God has shown me why we went through that tough time...it's to help others who are going through this stuff. Because unless you've experienced the "crazy" that is dependency court....trust me, you don't get it. At least not completely. It's a mess.
Today I'm left wondering something else, though. It's still a "Why me?" question, but a little different..."Why'd we get to keep E, when so many other foster parents, who would gladly adopt, don't get to?" I felt overwhelmed leaving the courthouse today. Burdened and broken for my dear friends and that precious child, but also incredibly overwhelmed by God's blessing us with E as a permanent part of our family.
Because in that same court room, on December 8, 2015, we officially adopted that same girl who was placed in my arms as a 3 month old. And I will be forever grateful.
