Now Joshua's holiday "drama" ended up all right. Did L's??
After the cancelled Thanksgiving-week visit with dad, I didn't really expect him to schedule any more visits. I finally heard from mom the first week of December. She actually sent me her work schedule for the first time, and was asking for 3 visits that week. CM called and said dad wanted 3 visits that week.
Um, excuse me? These people haven't wanted to see their child/made an effort to see their child and now they want almost every day with her?
Oh wait, this is the roller coaster ride we signed up for.
Ok, sure, whatever. ;)
Dad scheduled Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday at the office. Mom scheduled Tuesday (in case Dad cancelled, which he did) and Thursday, unsupervised.
Dad's Wednesday visit was awkward and difficult, per the CM. He didn't know how to handle L's emotional state (of course she was distressed and upset - she hadn't seen him since October so she didn't remember). CM thought it would be a wake-up call, but it wasn't. He cancelled Friday's visit the morning of, not by calling the CM, but rather when the visitation supervisor called to confirm, he said he wasn't coming.
Meanwhile, mom is all of a sudden in a hurry to get her home study done and approved…she thinks she can kick everyone into gear, to work around her schedule, so that she can have overnight visits by Christmas….CM said "not gonna happen".
Fast-forward to the week before Christmas. (Mom saw L once more between the first week and now.)
It was a Sunday, and mom had L from 11am-5pm. Upon arrival at our pre-determined meeting spot for pick up, grandma was driving (she's not supposed to transport) and L was in different clothes. Grandma tries to confront me about giving them visits on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day….which mom and I had already discussed. Since she did not have her overnight visits approved (she acted surprised), I agreed to meet them Christmas Day in the afternoon.
Once they left, I went to change L back into her other onesie to be more comfortable (she was in a fancy, stiff-fabric Christmas dress) and gagged when I pulled it out of the plastic bag they handed me. It REEKED of cigarette smoke. Poor girl was already sick/coughing, and must have spent all day around smoke. I was nauseated and disgusted. I immediately texted the CM and informed her of all of the issues encountered on this visit. The following day, a Monday, she looked into mom's drug test results (why this isn't done immediately is a whole entirely separate issue but it infuriates me nonetheless!) and found out that she had missed the two most recently ordered drug tests and the last one she did take was 12/3 and she tested positive for alcohol. She is under 21. When the CM addressed this issue with mom, the response was "I sometimes drink wine with my mom after work" as if it's no big deal. I will refrain from making further comments on that issue…
CM suggested mom talk to her attorney, but that she was going to suspend unsupervised visits for the time-being. If mom could pass 4 random drug screens in a row, she could get them back. Mom said she would talk to her lawyer and get back to the CM. She never did. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what to do about Christmas Day!
I didn't hear from mom all day Christmas Eve, and since she's supposed to schedule/confirm visits 24 hours in advance, I assumed we were in the clear. At 8:30pm I got a text from a random number simply saying "Hey, it's ______ (moms name)". My house was still filled with people, we were trying to do some sweet Santa surprises for our oldest, get the kiddos bathed and in bed (but Christmas Jammie's pictures first!!), and I get that text. I literally dumped my phone on my bed and closed the door….NOT dealing with that right now! After every little one was tucked in, after all of our family had left, and Jose and I were sitting on the couch, I got my phone and we were able to laugh about it. "What in the world do I say to this?!" I remember asking Jose. I refused to discuss personal or case details with someone "claiming" to be L's mom, but I had no proof of that. He jokingly said to write back "Hey". So I did! Ha! I just wrote back "Hello" and left it at that. I never heard back, and that was that.
We had an amazing Christmas Eve with family and a nice, relaxing Christmas Day. After the kids opened their presents that morning, we had a big breakfast and headed over to Nana and Papa's to play at the park. No more drama, thank goodness. :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Holidays & Drama - Part I
The two always go together, right? ;)
Adoption day was the Friday before Thanksgiving. L had had a few more unsupervised visits with mom (not dad) before then, but no requests for visits over Thanksgiving had come in yet. She had kind of "stalled" on her case plan work and was just coasting…
Out of the blue the CM called and asked to schedule visits for dad. What? He hasn't seen L since the beginning of October and got kicked out of treatment (again!). He scheduled a visit for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then cancelled it the same day. Radio silence from mom.
Thanksgiving was great, my family was still in town from the adoption and we got to celebrate with them, dinner a day early (they left Thanksgiving morning), and then a family dinner and our annual cousin late-night shopping spree on Thanksgiving Day. I love Black Friday shopping, and I'm not even ashamed. I wait 'til the kids are in bed….that makes it better, right??
On Saturday, I checked the mail before heading out to church. I saw a letter, addressed from Joshua's biological paternal grandparents…..my heart about stopped. We knew they wanted contact, and had every intention of contacting them once the adoption was final and everything settled down a bit. But to get a letter in the mail (how did they find out our full names and address???) was unexpected and threw me for a loop to say the least.
The letter was a heartfelt plea from a distressed grandmother - I couldn't help but let the tears fall as I read her (and Joshua's) story. She saw the news segment of Adoption Day and recognized her "lost" grandson. She explained her heartbreak of not knowing she had a grandchild until he was 6 months old and already in foster care, which resonated within me and my heart broke for her. She begged to be able to be some small part of his life, in whatever way we deemed fit as his parents. She claimed it was Divine intervention that she was watching the news that day, and I had to agree. That night I wrote a long letter back, telling her of our process in this whole crazy experience and how much we loved Joshua. I explained the name change, and told her how he was doing/adjusting/developing. We started to email back and forth and settled on a dinner "meet" with her and her husband, without Joshua present.
Shortly before Christmas, Jose and I met "Grandma and Grandpa N" at a restaurant for dinner. We had an excellent and straightforward conversation about our expectations/boundaries and their expectations/desires for this new-found relationship. I showed them lots of pictures and made sure they knew that we would definitely keep them in the loop. Long story short, they were great and even came to Joshua's birthday party a few weeks later. We couldn't be more thrilled that they can be a part of his life, and although this dynamic is "different" and some would call "complicated", it's a beautiful picture of adoption: two families, some loss, some gain, and a whole lot of love to go around.
Adoption day was the Friday before Thanksgiving. L had had a few more unsupervised visits with mom (not dad) before then, but no requests for visits over Thanksgiving had come in yet. She had kind of "stalled" on her case plan work and was just coasting…
Out of the blue the CM called and asked to schedule visits for dad. What? He hasn't seen L since the beginning of October and got kicked out of treatment (again!). He scheduled a visit for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then cancelled it the same day. Radio silence from mom.
Thanksgiving was great, my family was still in town from the adoption and we got to celebrate with them, dinner a day early (they left Thanksgiving morning), and then a family dinner and our annual cousin late-night shopping spree on Thanksgiving Day. I love Black Friday shopping, and I'm not even ashamed. I wait 'til the kids are in bed….that makes it better, right??
On Saturday, I checked the mail before heading out to church. I saw a letter, addressed from Joshua's biological paternal grandparents…..my heart about stopped. We knew they wanted contact, and had every intention of contacting them once the adoption was final and everything settled down a bit. But to get a letter in the mail (how did they find out our full names and address???) was unexpected and threw me for a loop to say the least.
The letter was a heartfelt plea from a distressed grandmother - I couldn't help but let the tears fall as I read her (and Joshua's) story. She saw the news segment of Adoption Day and recognized her "lost" grandson. She explained her heartbreak of not knowing she had a grandchild until he was 6 months old and already in foster care, which resonated within me and my heart broke for her. She begged to be able to be some small part of his life, in whatever way we deemed fit as his parents. She claimed it was Divine intervention that she was watching the news that day, and I had to agree. That night I wrote a long letter back, telling her of our process in this whole crazy experience and how much we loved Joshua. I explained the name change, and told her how he was doing/adjusting/developing. We started to email back and forth and settled on a dinner "meet" with her and her husband, without Joshua present.
Shortly before Christmas, Jose and I met "Grandma and Grandpa N" at a restaurant for dinner. We had an excellent and straightforward conversation about our expectations/boundaries and their expectations/desires for this new-found relationship. I showed them lots of pictures and made sure they knew that we would definitely keep them in the loop. Long story short, they were great and even came to Joshua's birthday party a few weeks later. We couldn't be more thrilled that they can be a part of his life, and although this dynamic is "different" and some would call "complicated", it's a beautiful picture of adoption: two families, some loss, some gain, and a whole lot of love to go around.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Adoption Day!!!! (super duper late post)
I have been itching to get this blog post written and published FOR-EVER! But, with this many kids in our home….writing is soooo the last thing on my to-do list!
"DS" is, as of 11/21/14 a Santana!!!! His new name is Joshua Adam. :)
Since it's been SO long since I've updated, I'm going to attempt writing our saga in order over the course of the next few days and get y'all caught up.
Adoption day:
Although the day was a long-anticipated one, it felt strangely normal getting up, getting everyone dressed and out of the door. I mean, we don't pack up all four kids and head to the courthouse on any given "normal" day….but you know what I mean.
I had already cried some that morning, though. While getting ready and thinking about where the past four months with Joshua have brought us, his biological family, his new family, his past, his future…all of "this" becoming official. No one could ever take him away. A caseworker wasn't going to show up out of the blue and tell us his former placement got him back. No other woman could come and claim him as her son. He is mine. Well, not really. None of my kids are "mine", they're the Lord's. But again, you know what I mean.
I got upset in the car because I realized I brought my normal mascara, not the water-proof one. Ugh. I was sure my makeup was going to be horrendous after the ceremony.
We parked in the parking garage, unloaded everyone, got out the double stroller, and walked to the courthouse. Once through security (where we had to unload everything from said double stroller, carry the kids through the metal detectors, and re-load everything onto/into the stroller again…that's always fun) we headed up to the courtroom. We were so blessed to have family attending. Everyone was so excited. The ceremony was less than 10 minutes, and I don't remember a ton. I remember the lawyer asking us a bunch of questions like "Are you adopting him because you love him?" (um…duh?), "Does the child own any property?" (this one just cracked me up…he's not even 2 years old) and "Do you promise to treat him and provide for him as you would your own biological children?" (that one was my favorite because that's totally my goal - that my children see no difference as to whether I physically gave birth to them or not, they are equally my children).
After we finished in the court room (where two other families were adopting….one sibling set got a forever home, and a teenage girl was adopted by her uncle, both were bawling and I think everyone in the room was, too. SO COOL!), we were interviewed by the 4 local news stations about the proceedings. Honestly, hubby did most of the talking (I'm totally ok with that - I'll stick to writing! Ha!) and he did a phenomenal job. It was such a great witnessing opportunity and literally every other sentence had something to do with "Gospel", "Jesus", "God", "our calling", etc. My favorite question though was "How do you feel bringing Joshua home today?" Um…the same as every other day since July? ;) In all seriousness, I thought it would feel so different, like a huge switch would go off and everything would just magically change. But it didn't - it was a normal day with our four kiddos, our family, celebrating something amazing, sure, but he had already become a part of our family long before that day. A signature and an oath didn't change anything except the legal status of our newest child.
Watch the News Segment here :)
"DS" is, as of 11/21/14 a Santana!!!! His new name is Joshua Adam. :)
Since it's been SO long since I've updated, I'm going to attempt writing our saga in order over the course of the next few days and get y'all caught up.
Adoption day:
Although the day was a long-anticipated one, it felt strangely normal getting up, getting everyone dressed and out of the door. I mean, we don't pack up all four kids and head to the courthouse on any given "normal" day….but you know what I mean.
I had already cried some that morning, though. While getting ready and thinking about where the past four months with Joshua have brought us, his biological family, his new family, his past, his future…all of "this" becoming official. No one could ever take him away. A caseworker wasn't going to show up out of the blue and tell us his former placement got him back. No other woman could come and claim him as her son. He is mine. Well, not really. None of my kids are "mine", they're the Lord's. But again, you know what I mean.
I got upset in the car because I realized I brought my normal mascara, not the water-proof one. Ugh. I was sure my makeup was going to be horrendous after the ceremony.
We parked in the parking garage, unloaded everyone, got out the double stroller, and walked to the courthouse. Once through security (where we had to unload everything from said double stroller, carry the kids through the metal detectors, and re-load everything onto/into the stroller again…that's always fun) we headed up to the courtroom. We were so blessed to have family attending. Everyone was so excited. The ceremony was less than 10 minutes, and I don't remember a ton. I remember the lawyer asking us a bunch of questions like "Are you adopting him because you love him?" (um…duh?), "Does the child own any property?" (this one just cracked me up…he's not even 2 years old) and "Do you promise to treat him and provide for him as you would your own biological children?" (that one was my favorite because that's totally my goal - that my children see no difference as to whether I physically gave birth to them or not, they are equally my children).
After we finished in the court room (where two other families were adopting….one sibling set got a forever home, and a teenage girl was adopted by her uncle, both were bawling and I think everyone in the room was, too. SO COOL!), we were interviewed by the 4 local news stations about the proceedings. Honestly, hubby did most of the talking (I'm totally ok with that - I'll stick to writing! Ha!) and he did a phenomenal job. It was such a great witnessing opportunity and literally every other sentence had something to do with "Gospel", "Jesus", "God", "our calling", etc. My favorite question though was "How do you feel bringing Joshua home today?" Um…the same as every other day since July? ;) In all seriousness, I thought it would feel so different, like a huge switch would go off and everything would just magically change. But it didn't - it was a normal day with our four kiddos, our family, celebrating something amazing, sure, but he had already become a part of our family long before that day. A signature and an oath didn't change anything except the legal status of our newest child.
Watch the News Segment here :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Uncertainty
I feel like I could write a book about uncertainty. I mean, the struggle is real, folks. Uncertainty is not a fun place to be. It's like hanging in limbo, not knowing if you're going to soar or fall, if you're emotional roller coaster is going to go up or down, or do a loop-di-loop for that matter. Sometimes it feels like those few seconds on the Tower of Terror ride at Disney - you know, when you're at the top and you KNOW you're about to free fall but you haven't yet? The anticipation is killer. And in those moments of uncertainty, fear creeps in. Fears, worries, what-if's, insecurities, and basically anything else that the devil wants to use to keep us in bondage.
BUT….
In those stand-still moments, before the free-fall, is when I find God show up the biggest. WHEN I call on Him and rely on His strength, His power, His comfort, His peace, His mercy, His love…His justice. His all-knowing supremacy and ultimately, His Perfect plan.
He's got this!
Anything I can muster up to defend my kids, promote myself as the better placement, or investigate and "expose" crappy things the bio parents are doing is NOTHING compared to what my God can do. And I have got to let go of my own view of justice, my own view of how this system is "supposed" to work, because let's face it. It's a flawed system. Very, very flawed. Despite there being *some* very dedicated, honest people there who truly want whats best for these children, the system is simply flawed. (Talk about writing a book….there's another one! Ha!)
And I suppose to finish out the Disney ride analogy - then, without fear, I can enjoy the rest of that ride…because I LOVE a good roller coaster/ride!
In our own cases, here's an update:
DS:
Adoption paperwork and home study are complete, and are at the attorney's office. I signed last night and Jose is signing today!! Finalizing should happen this month, although there is a family member attempting to throw us a curve ball. We're not too worried (ok, truth: hubby isn't worried, I kind of am but I'm practicing what I preach and am trying to daily LET IT GO and give it to God!!) but praying that her threats are just that: threats; no follow-through.
L:
Mama is doing pretty good as far as case-plans go. She's supposedly got her own place now, and has a decent job. She expects L by Christmas, which we are being told won't happen. Mom has not been visiting very often at all. Follow-through is a big issue here, along with maturity and responsibility.
Dad is non-compliant with his case plan at the moment. Which, we've learned, really doesn't mean much. There's no "real" consequences, currently, for this. If he still is non-compliant when we go to court in Feb then he could be threatened with loss of parental rights but it probably won't happen right away. He still gets the right to see her (but hasn't in the past two weeks) at the office, supervised. (He lost unsupervised visitation rights without having ever even had an unsupervised visit. He's seen L a total of 3 times since the beginning of September)
So, that's where we are at! Thanks for journeying with us, praying for us, and sharing these stories. The more people are talking about foster care, the more awareness we bring to our communities. Hopefully, the more awareness we bring, the more people feel called to this whole fostering journey alongside of us. That's our prayer. No more children being bounced from home to home, sleeping in a hotel, or even in their case managers' office. No more over-crowded and over-used foster homes that then get burned out
BUT….
In those stand-still moments, before the free-fall, is when I find God show up the biggest. WHEN I call on Him and rely on His strength, His power, His comfort, His peace, His mercy, His love…His justice. His all-knowing supremacy and ultimately, His Perfect plan.
He's got this!
Anything I can muster up to defend my kids, promote myself as the better placement, or investigate and "expose" crappy things the bio parents are doing is NOTHING compared to what my God can do. And I have got to let go of my own view of justice, my own view of how this system is "supposed" to work, because let's face it. It's a flawed system. Very, very flawed. Despite there being *some* very dedicated, honest people there who truly want whats best for these children, the system is simply flawed. (Talk about writing a book….there's another one! Ha!)
And I suppose to finish out the Disney ride analogy - then, without fear, I can enjoy the rest of that ride…because I LOVE a good roller coaster/ride!
In our own cases, here's an update:
DS:
Adoption paperwork and home study are complete, and are at the attorney's office. I signed last night and Jose is signing today!! Finalizing should happen this month, although there is a family member attempting to throw us a curve ball. We're not too worried (ok, truth: hubby isn't worried, I kind of am but I'm practicing what I preach and am trying to daily LET IT GO and give it to God!!) but praying that her threats are just that: threats; no follow-through.
L:
Mama is doing pretty good as far as case-plans go. She's supposedly got her own place now, and has a decent job. She expects L by Christmas, which we are being told won't happen. Mom has not been visiting very often at all. Follow-through is a big issue here, along with maturity and responsibility.
Dad is non-compliant with his case plan at the moment. Which, we've learned, really doesn't mean much. There's no "real" consequences, currently, for this. If he still is non-compliant when we go to court in Feb then he could be threatened with loss of parental rights but it probably won't happen right away. He still gets the right to see her (but hasn't in the past two weeks) at the office, supervised. (He lost unsupervised visitation rights without having ever even had an unsupervised visit. He's seen L a total of 3 times since the beginning of September)
So, that's where we are at! Thanks for journeying with us, praying for us, and sharing these stories. The more people are talking about foster care, the more awareness we bring to our communities. Hopefully, the more awareness we bring, the more people feel called to this whole fostering journey alongside of us. That's our prayer. No more children being bounced from home to home, sleeping in a hotel, or even in their case managers' office. No more over-crowded and over-used foster homes that then get burned out
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Crazy System
One thing I've learned through this whole fostering process is that nothing is ever guaranteed. Visits? Nope. Parents staying on track? Nope. Case Managers doing what they say they'll do? Nope. Keeping the children's best interests in mind? Nope.
You'd think an organization that is established and intended for the WELFARE of the CHILD would do things, like, consider what's actually best for the child?? Yeah, I know. Novel idea.
Things that I hear that drive me crazy about this system and the people running it….
-A bio dad is granted unsupervised overnight visits, even though he just got out of jail for a felony
(yes you read that right…FELONY)
-A biological half-brother who isn't even 20 years old yet is a viable candidate for placement of an 18 month old.
-Sibling group of two spend over 2,000 days in foster care, had countless case managers and judges….the system failed these kids. Multiple times.
-Case workers saying they're going to drug test the bio parents before unsupervised visits only to find out that didn't happen.
-Bio parents not understanding this process AT ALL and thinking they deserve their child back because ….. well, they are "blood". (Because there isn't any other logical reason at the time…case plan? What case plan??)
The list could go on and on. Don't get me wrong, these aren't the only cases….there's stories of bio parents who got their act together and were reunified with their child(ren) and are doing great! As with anything, there's pros and cons I suppose.
There is SUCH a need for foster parents and foster families. I keep hearing what a "wonderful thing we're doing" and I just want to reply "If you think it's so great, why don't you do it?". I know, it's not for every season of life. And it is certainly hard, difficult, emotional, frustrating, annoying, disappointing, and a true roller-coaster ride. But these kids deserve loving homes. And God gives us the grace and strength to endure anything He puts in our path. So there's that ;)
You'd think an organization that is established and intended for the WELFARE of the CHILD would do things, like, consider what's actually best for the child?? Yeah, I know. Novel idea.
Things that I hear that drive me crazy about this system and the people running it….
-A bio dad is granted unsupervised overnight visits, even though he just got out of jail for a felony
(yes you read that right…FELONY)
-A biological half-brother who isn't even 20 years old yet is a viable candidate for placement of an 18 month old.
-Sibling group of two spend over 2,000 days in foster care, had countless case managers and judges….the system failed these kids. Multiple times.
-Case workers saying they're going to drug test the bio parents before unsupervised visits only to find out that didn't happen.
-Bio parents not understanding this process AT ALL and thinking they deserve their child back because ….. well, they are "blood". (Because there isn't any other logical reason at the time…case plan? What case plan??)
The list could go on and on. Don't get me wrong, these aren't the only cases….there's stories of bio parents who got their act together and were reunified with their child(ren) and are doing great! As with anything, there's pros and cons I suppose.
There is SUCH a need for foster parents and foster families. I keep hearing what a "wonderful thing we're doing" and I just want to reply "If you think it's so great, why don't you do it?". I know, it's not for every season of life. And it is certainly hard, difficult, emotional, frustrating, annoying, disappointing, and a true roller-coaster ride. But these kids deserve loving homes. And God gives us the grace and strength to endure anything He puts in our path. So there's that ;)
Court Updates - September
((This was written back on September 9 and never posted…OOPS!))
Court update on L's case:
Unsupervised visits have been granted by the judge. Safety plan has been drafted and signed by bio parents, so as of yesterday afternoon they were informed of no more office visits with L.
(I found out this morning...because I was calling to schedule someone to pick L up from the house as hubby and I were headed to court with DS and the in-laws were home with the other 3)
They now have to inform myself and the case manager 24 hours in advance that they'd like to see her, how long, and where they will be (they still have to be in public places only). We have the right to say "no" if a particular day or time doesn't work for us. But here's what gets me: there's no "formal" or "official" standard for how many days or how long they can have her?? Seems totally weird to me, but oh well. My mantra for now is "That's not my job". ;)
So as of right now, they've "missed out" on today and tomorrow's visits because I haven't heard from anyone. Lovely. I hate feeling out of the loop. (Welcome to Foster Care, right? haha)
The better news is that we had a Judicial Review today for DS, in front of the panel (no judge). They reviewed all of the happenings since they last saw his case (back in April), were shocked at the situation he was placed in, or rather, removed from.....a family member who no longer wanted to adopt. They loved seeing him, loved hearing his improvements and stated that the adoption case plan goal date is 11/12/14, but unless we request to go back sooner, the next official court date is 2/5/15. They asked about family members requesting visitation, and seemed very supportive when his case manager said she was leaning towards not suggesting that, seeing as it was not a supportive environment before, and there's no telling if the family has gotten their lives back together or not.
So we're excited to see where this path takes us! We had a phenomenal report at the pediatrician yesterday. Healthy foster babies, no more medical tests for DS, and he's gaining weight! Praise Jesus. We're so blessed.
Court update on L's case:
Unsupervised visits have been granted by the judge. Safety plan has been drafted and signed by bio parents, so as of yesterday afternoon they were informed of no more office visits with L.
(I found out this morning...because I was calling to schedule someone to pick L up from the house as hubby and I were headed to court with DS and the in-laws were home with the other 3)
They now have to inform myself and the case manager 24 hours in advance that they'd like to see her, how long, and where they will be (they still have to be in public places only). We have the right to say "no" if a particular day or time doesn't work for us. But here's what gets me: there's no "formal" or "official" standard for how many days or how long they can have her?? Seems totally weird to me, but oh well. My mantra for now is "That's not my job". ;)
So as of right now, they've "missed out" on today and tomorrow's visits because I haven't heard from anyone. Lovely. I hate feeling out of the loop. (Welcome to Foster Care, right? haha)
The better news is that we had a Judicial Review today for DS, in front of the panel (no judge). They reviewed all of the happenings since they last saw his case (back in April), were shocked at the situation he was placed in, or rather, removed from.....a family member who no longer wanted to adopt. They loved seeing him, loved hearing his improvements and stated that the adoption case plan goal date is 11/12/14, but unless we request to go back sooner, the next official court date is 2/5/15. They asked about family members requesting visitation, and seemed very supportive when his case manager said she was leaning towards not suggesting that, seeing as it was not a supportive environment before, and there's no telling if the family has gotten their lives back together or not.
So we're excited to see where this path takes us! We had a phenomenal report at the pediatrician yesterday. Healthy foster babies, no more medical tests for DS, and he's gaining weight! Praise Jesus. We're so blessed.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Bio Parents Aren't Always "The Bad Guy"
I've been thinking about this topic for a while now. Somehow, somewhere along the line, people have associated foster care with automatic adoptable kids. Some have associated foster care with awful kids, dead beat parents, behavior problems, runaways, psycho parents, awful rules, and a myriad of other things. While some of those may be true in some cases, it's not always the norm. (Aside from the dumb rules....most of the rules really are stupid)
One thing I've realized is that most people have a negative reaction when we tell them that L is most likely going home sometime around January. "Why??", they ask, with the best of intentions. Well, because her PARENTS are doing what they've been told to do (we think) and are getting their lives back together (as far as we know). In all seriousness - they have a right to have their daughter back if they are in fact doing those things. If the government tried passing a law that said "At the first offense, biological parents will loose the right to regain custody of their children" you'd better believe I'd be voting a big, fat NO on that one. Sometimes, it's just one dumb mistake that alters the course of your life forever. Luckily, most of us don't have huge consequences from the mistakes we've made. Some of our mistakes weren't broadcasted on Facebook or Instagram, snapchatted or tweeted. (Thank Goodness!!!) I can't imagine the devastation of loosing my children because of something I've done wrong - what if someone saw me spank our 3 year old and called DCF on me....I shouldn't have a right to get my child back IF they took him away? What if someone claimed they saw me doing drugs...I shouldn't have a right to get my kids back if I got clean and quit? That's a ridiculous claim, of course I should have that right. So why do we treat foster kids' bio parents as if they shouldn't have that right? They are people, too. Flawed, sinful people...JUST LIKE you and me. The catch is - are they recognizing their mistakes and truly changing their lifestyles. And, of course, if the answer to that is no, then obviously the child(ren) need(s) to remain in someone else's custody.
Let's vow to change the way we look at our foster kids' bio parents...
*Let's pray for them instead of think poorly of them
*Let's try to put ourselves in their shoes instead of looking down at them
*Let's make every effort to help them in their efforts to be better people instead of secretly wishing they'll fail
*Let's pray that they make the right decisions for their children's sake - sometimes severing ties and letting go is truly best, and I cannot even imagine having to make that decision.
*Let's pray for strength, determination, and most of all: salvation.
In L's case, we are working hard to develop some kind of a relationship with her parents. They're young, and we want to have a positive influence on them; and selfishly, to stay in touch so we can still see and interact with L once she's gone. They've attended church with us once, and we attempted dinner (didn't go over well....3 of the 4 kids were melting down. haha "Welcome to Parenthood!"). We stay in touch during the week and hopefully we can keep that up. That is, apparently, rare. (It shouldn't be...but it is) With DS's case - his bio parents' rights have been terminated so none of this even applies ;)
**Of course, in foster care, every single situation is different. There are circumstances that are extreme, and in some cases the biological parents should never, ever see their children again because of what they've done to/allowed to happen to their children. Please don't think I don't know this. I'm simply speaking that in general, this should be our approach WHEN POSSIBLE. Thanks for understanding and not biting my head off if you're in one of those more difficult situations. :)
One thing I've realized is that most people have a negative reaction when we tell them that L is most likely going home sometime around January. "Why??", they ask, with the best of intentions. Well, because her PARENTS are doing what they've been told to do (we think) and are getting their lives back together (as far as we know). In all seriousness - they have a right to have their daughter back if they are in fact doing those things. If the government tried passing a law that said "At the first offense, biological parents will loose the right to regain custody of their children" you'd better believe I'd be voting a big, fat NO on that one. Sometimes, it's just one dumb mistake that alters the course of your life forever. Luckily, most of us don't have huge consequences from the mistakes we've made. Some of our mistakes weren't broadcasted on Facebook or Instagram, snapchatted or tweeted. (Thank Goodness!!!) I can't imagine the devastation of loosing my children because of something I've done wrong - what if someone saw me spank our 3 year old and called DCF on me....I shouldn't have a right to get my child back IF they took him away? What if someone claimed they saw me doing drugs...I shouldn't have a right to get my kids back if I got clean and quit? That's a ridiculous claim, of course I should have that right. So why do we treat foster kids' bio parents as if they shouldn't have that right? They are people, too. Flawed, sinful people...JUST LIKE you and me. The catch is - are they recognizing their mistakes and truly changing their lifestyles. And, of course, if the answer to that is no, then obviously the child(ren) need(s) to remain in someone else's custody.
Let's vow to change the way we look at our foster kids' bio parents...
*Let's pray for them instead of think poorly of them
*Let's try to put ourselves in their shoes instead of looking down at them
*Let's make every effort to help them in their efforts to be better people instead of secretly wishing they'll fail
*Let's pray that they make the right decisions for their children's sake - sometimes severing ties and letting go is truly best, and I cannot even imagine having to make that decision.
*Let's pray for strength, determination, and most of all: salvation.
In L's case, we are working hard to develop some kind of a relationship with her parents. They're young, and we want to have a positive influence on them; and selfishly, to stay in touch so we can still see and interact with L once she's gone. They've attended church with us once, and we attempted dinner (didn't go over well....3 of the 4 kids were melting down. haha "Welcome to Parenthood!"). We stay in touch during the week and hopefully we can keep that up. That is, apparently, rare. (It shouldn't be...but it is) With DS's case - his bio parents' rights have been terminated so none of this even applies ;)
**Of course, in foster care, every single situation is different. There are circumstances that are extreme, and in some cases the biological parents should never, ever see their children again because of what they've done to/allowed to happen to their children. Please don't think I don't know this. I'm simply speaking that in general, this should be our approach WHEN POSSIBLE. Thanks for understanding and not biting my head off if you're in one of those more difficult situations. :)
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