Now Joshua's holiday "drama" ended up all right. Did L's??
After the cancelled Thanksgiving-week visit with dad, I didn't really expect him to schedule any more visits. I finally heard from mom the first week of December. She actually sent me her work schedule for the first time, and was asking for 3 visits that week. CM called and said dad wanted 3 visits that week.
Um, excuse me? These people haven't wanted to see their child/made an effort to see their child and now they want almost every day with her?
Oh wait, this is the roller coaster ride we signed up for.
Ok, sure, whatever. ;)
Dad scheduled Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday at the office. Mom scheduled Tuesday (in case Dad cancelled, which he did) and Thursday, unsupervised.
Dad's Wednesday visit was awkward and difficult, per the CM. He didn't know how to handle L's emotional state (of course she was distressed and upset - she hadn't seen him since October so she didn't remember). CM thought it would be a wake-up call, but it wasn't. He cancelled Friday's visit the morning of, not by calling the CM, but rather when the visitation supervisor called to confirm, he said he wasn't coming.
Meanwhile, mom is all of a sudden in a hurry to get her home study done and approved…she thinks she can kick everyone into gear, to work around her schedule, so that she can have overnight visits by Christmas….CM said "not gonna happen".
Fast-forward to the week before Christmas. (Mom saw L once more between the first week and now.)
It was a Sunday, and mom had L from 11am-5pm. Upon arrival at our pre-determined meeting spot for pick up, grandma was driving (she's not supposed to transport) and L was in different clothes. Grandma tries to confront me about giving them visits on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day….which mom and I had already discussed. Since she did not have her overnight visits approved (she acted surprised), I agreed to meet them Christmas Day in the afternoon.
Once they left, I went to change L back into her other onesie to be more comfortable (she was in a fancy, stiff-fabric Christmas dress) and gagged when I pulled it out of the plastic bag they handed me. It REEKED of cigarette smoke. Poor girl was already sick/coughing, and must have spent all day around smoke. I was nauseated and disgusted. I immediately texted the CM and informed her of all of the issues encountered on this visit. The following day, a Monday, she looked into mom's drug test results (why this isn't done immediately is a whole entirely separate issue but it infuriates me nonetheless!) and found out that she had missed the two most recently ordered drug tests and the last one she did take was 12/3 and she tested positive for alcohol. She is under 21. When the CM addressed this issue with mom, the response was "I sometimes drink wine with my mom after work" as if it's no big deal. I will refrain from making further comments on that issue…
CM suggested mom talk to her attorney, but that she was going to suspend unsupervised visits for the time-being. If mom could pass 4 random drug screens in a row, she could get them back. Mom said she would talk to her lawyer and get back to the CM. She never did. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what to do about Christmas Day!
I didn't hear from mom all day Christmas Eve, and since she's supposed to schedule/confirm visits 24 hours in advance, I assumed we were in the clear. At 8:30pm I got a text from a random number simply saying "Hey, it's ______ (moms name)". My house was still filled with people, we were trying to do some sweet Santa surprises for our oldest, get the kiddos bathed and in bed (but Christmas Jammie's pictures first!!), and I get that text. I literally dumped my phone on my bed and closed the door….NOT dealing with that right now! After every little one was tucked in, after all of our family had left, and Jose and I were sitting on the couch, I got my phone and we were able to laugh about it. "What in the world do I say to this?!" I remember asking Jose. I refused to discuss personal or case details with someone "claiming" to be L's mom, but I had no proof of that. He jokingly said to write back "Hey". So I did! Ha! I just wrote back "Hello" and left it at that. I never heard back, and that was that.
We had an amazing Christmas Eve with family and a nice, relaxing Christmas Day. After the kids opened their presents that morning, we had a big breakfast and headed over to Nana and Papa's to play at the park. No more drama, thank goodness. :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Holidays & Drama - Part I
The two always go together, right? ;)
Adoption day was the Friday before Thanksgiving. L had had a few more unsupervised visits with mom (not dad) before then, but no requests for visits over Thanksgiving had come in yet. She had kind of "stalled" on her case plan work and was just coasting…
Out of the blue the CM called and asked to schedule visits for dad. What? He hasn't seen L since the beginning of October and got kicked out of treatment (again!). He scheduled a visit for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then cancelled it the same day. Radio silence from mom.
Thanksgiving was great, my family was still in town from the adoption and we got to celebrate with them, dinner a day early (they left Thanksgiving morning), and then a family dinner and our annual cousin late-night shopping spree on Thanksgiving Day. I love Black Friday shopping, and I'm not even ashamed. I wait 'til the kids are in bed….that makes it better, right??
On Saturday, I checked the mail before heading out to church. I saw a letter, addressed from Joshua's biological paternal grandparents…..my heart about stopped. We knew they wanted contact, and had every intention of contacting them once the adoption was final and everything settled down a bit. But to get a letter in the mail (how did they find out our full names and address???) was unexpected and threw me for a loop to say the least.
The letter was a heartfelt plea from a distressed grandmother - I couldn't help but let the tears fall as I read her (and Joshua's) story. She saw the news segment of Adoption Day and recognized her "lost" grandson. She explained her heartbreak of not knowing she had a grandchild until he was 6 months old and already in foster care, which resonated within me and my heart broke for her. She begged to be able to be some small part of his life, in whatever way we deemed fit as his parents. She claimed it was Divine intervention that she was watching the news that day, and I had to agree. That night I wrote a long letter back, telling her of our process in this whole crazy experience and how much we loved Joshua. I explained the name change, and told her how he was doing/adjusting/developing. We started to email back and forth and settled on a dinner "meet" with her and her husband, without Joshua present.
Shortly before Christmas, Jose and I met "Grandma and Grandpa N" at a restaurant for dinner. We had an excellent and straightforward conversation about our expectations/boundaries and their expectations/desires for this new-found relationship. I showed them lots of pictures and made sure they knew that we would definitely keep them in the loop. Long story short, they were great and even came to Joshua's birthday party a few weeks later. We couldn't be more thrilled that they can be a part of his life, and although this dynamic is "different" and some would call "complicated", it's a beautiful picture of adoption: two families, some loss, some gain, and a whole lot of love to go around.
Adoption day was the Friday before Thanksgiving. L had had a few more unsupervised visits with mom (not dad) before then, but no requests for visits over Thanksgiving had come in yet. She had kind of "stalled" on her case plan work and was just coasting…
Out of the blue the CM called and asked to schedule visits for dad. What? He hasn't seen L since the beginning of October and got kicked out of treatment (again!). He scheduled a visit for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then cancelled it the same day. Radio silence from mom.
Thanksgiving was great, my family was still in town from the adoption and we got to celebrate with them, dinner a day early (they left Thanksgiving morning), and then a family dinner and our annual cousin late-night shopping spree on Thanksgiving Day. I love Black Friday shopping, and I'm not even ashamed. I wait 'til the kids are in bed….that makes it better, right??
On Saturday, I checked the mail before heading out to church. I saw a letter, addressed from Joshua's biological paternal grandparents…..my heart about stopped. We knew they wanted contact, and had every intention of contacting them once the adoption was final and everything settled down a bit. But to get a letter in the mail (how did they find out our full names and address???) was unexpected and threw me for a loop to say the least.
The letter was a heartfelt plea from a distressed grandmother - I couldn't help but let the tears fall as I read her (and Joshua's) story. She saw the news segment of Adoption Day and recognized her "lost" grandson. She explained her heartbreak of not knowing she had a grandchild until he was 6 months old and already in foster care, which resonated within me and my heart broke for her. She begged to be able to be some small part of his life, in whatever way we deemed fit as his parents. She claimed it was Divine intervention that she was watching the news that day, and I had to agree. That night I wrote a long letter back, telling her of our process in this whole crazy experience and how much we loved Joshua. I explained the name change, and told her how he was doing/adjusting/developing. We started to email back and forth and settled on a dinner "meet" with her and her husband, without Joshua present.
Shortly before Christmas, Jose and I met "Grandma and Grandpa N" at a restaurant for dinner. We had an excellent and straightforward conversation about our expectations/boundaries and their expectations/desires for this new-found relationship. I showed them lots of pictures and made sure they knew that we would definitely keep them in the loop. Long story short, they were great and even came to Joshua's birthday party a few weeks later. We couldn't be more thrilled that they can be a part of his life, and although this dynamic is "different" and some would call "complicated", it's a beautiful picture of adoption: two families, some loss, some gain, and a whole lot of love to go around.
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