Bio Parents Aren't Always "The Bad Guy"

I've been thinking about this topic for a while now. Somehow, somewhere along the line, people have associated foster care with automatic adoptable kids. Some have associated foster care with awful kids, dead beat parents, behavior problems, runaways, psycho parents, awful rules, and a myriad of other things. While some of those may be true in some cases, it's not always the norm. (Aside from the dumb rules....most of the rules really are stupid)

One thing I've realized is that most people have a negative reaction when we tell them that L is most likely going home sometime around January. "Why??", they ask, with the best of intentions. Well, because her PARENTS are doing what they've been told to do (we think) and are getting their lives back together (as far as we know). In all seriousness - they have a right to have their daughter back if they are in fact doing those things. If the government tried passing a law that said "At the first offense, biological parents will loose the right to regain custody of their children" you'd better believe I'd be voting a big, fat NO on that one. Sometimes, it's just one dumb mistake that alters the course of your life forever. Luckily, most of us don't have huge consequences from the mistakes we've made. Some of our mistakes weren't broadcasted on Facebook or Instagram, snapchatted or tweeted. (Thank Goodness!!!) I can't imagine the devastation of loosing my children because of something I've done wrong - what if someone saw me spank our 3 year old and called DCF on me....I shouldn't have a right to get my child back IF they took him away? What if someone claimed they saw me doing drugs...I shouldn't have a right to get my kids back if I got clean and quit? That's a ridiculous claim, of course I should have that right. So why do we treat foster kids' bio parents as if they shouldn't have that right? They are people, too. Flawed, sinful people...JUST LIKE you and me. The catch is - are they recognizing their mistakes and truly changing their lifestyles. And, of course, if the answer to that is no, then obviously the child(ren) need(s) to remain in someone else's custody.

Let's vow to change the way we look at our foster kids' bio parents...
*Let's pray for them instead of think poorly of them
*Let's try to put ourselves in their shoes instead of looking down at them
*Let's make every effort to help them in their efforts to be better people instead of secretly wishing they'll fail
*Let's pray that they make the right decisions for their children's sake - sometimes severing ties and letting go is truly best, and I cannot even imagine having to make that decision.
*Let's pray for strength, determination, and most of all: salvation.


In L's case, we are working hard to develop some kind of a relationship with her parents. They're young, and we want to have a positive influence on them; and selfishly, to stay in touch so we can still see and interact with L once she's gone. They've attended church with us once, and we attempted dinner (didn't go over well....3 of the 4 kids were melting down. haha "Welcome to Parenthood!"). We stay in touch during the week and hopefully we can keep that up. That is, apparently, rare. (It shouldn't be...but it is) With DS's case - his bio parents' rights have been terminated so none of this even applies ;)


**Of course, in foster care, every single situation is different. There are circumstances that are extreme, and in some cases the biological parents should never, ever see their children again because of what they've done to/allowed to happen to their children. Please don't think I don't know this. I'm simply speaking that in general, this should be our approach WHEN POSSIBLE. Thanks for understanding and not biting my head off if you're in one of those more difficult situations. :)

September 2nd: 5 Things Tuesday

So it's 5 things Tuesday and I thought I'd share 5 things {most} foster parents wish they could say, but {usually} don't.
Sometimes we don't say it because we don't want to get into details.
Sometimes we don't say it because we don't want to get emotional.
Sometimes we don't say it because it wouldn't be very nice. ;)

But sometimes we do say them. In a nice way. As a warning. On a fostering blog.
So here we go:

1. Just because I'm fostering DOES NOT mean I can't have any {more} children. Although this very well could be the case, maybe I'm just taking Jesus' command to take care of these children literally! And either way....it's most likely none of your business. If I couldn't have kids and I wanted to discuss my fertility issues with you, I would have already. So please, don't go there.

2. Foster children are by no means responsible for their parents' poor choices. Please don't treat, think, or act as if they are "less" than any other child. Biological, adopted privately, adopted through foster care, or foster care kids are all precious in God's sight, regardless of their situation.

3. I am not a "saint" or a "super mom" because I have invited these children into my home. GOD TOLD ME TO. I am simply being obedient. Yes, it is hard. It's hard regardless of who birthed the child, me or someone else. They are sinful little boogers and we're trying to "train them up in the ways they should go" in the amount of time we've been given with them; long-term or short-term. **Sinful little boogers whom we LOVE SO MUCH ;)

4. Foster children getting adopted rarely happens within the first year of placement, unless a wide array of things fall into place first. (Our own situation with DS is far from normal) So, when you ask "do you get to keep her/him/them?" my answer will always be "for now". When you pry further and ask "well why should they go back?" my answer depends on the situation. Frankly, sometimes its the RIGHT THING for them to go back because their parents have done their jobs & gotten their lives back together. Other times it's not such a good thing, but bottom line is that I myself probably can't change that. I have to trust that ultimately the Lord loves this child more than I do and will protect him/her.

5. Just because a foster child is being difficult does not mean I can just "exchange him" for another one - seriously, some people think this way!?!? It's a CHILD. They, as I mentioned above, are sinful little boogers and we are trying to train them in right and wrong. The foster care system is not a grocery store to go and pick out your offspring. It's also not acceptable to me that {unless there are extenuating circumstances} people would just "swap out" a child because he/she isn't acting as deemed "appropriate" or "expected"...I mean, I get that there are extreme situations, and by all means, you must consider the safety of the children already in your home as well as yourself. But this is still a child's LIFE we're talking about. Most haven't had great {or ANY} positive examples of how to act, treat others, talk, use manners, etc. They NEED loving, stable homes.


Thanks for reading. If you're not a foster parent, please don't think we would be upset with you over these situations....probably a better way to phrase our feelings would be to say we're frustrated with the lack of understanding of the system. And frankly, sometimes WE don't understand the system either. :)
If you ARE a foster parent and have something to add, PLEASE DO! Feel free to comment or email us!