Uncertainty

I feel like I could write a book about uncertainty. I mean, the struggle is real, folks. Uncertainty is not a fun place to be. It's like hanging in limbo, not knowing if you're going to soar or fall, if you're emotional roller coaster is going to go up or down, or do a loop-di-loop for that matter. Sometimes it feels like those few seconds on the Tower of Terror ride at Disney - you  know, when you're at the top and you KNOW you're about to free fall but you haven't yet? The anticipation is killer. And in those moments of uncertainty, fear creeps in. Fears, worries, what-if's, insecurities, and basically anything else that the devil wants to use to keep us in bondage.

BUT….

In those stand-still moments, before the free-fall, is when I find God show up the biggest. WHEN I call on Him and rely on His strength, His power, His comfort, His peace, His mercy, His love…His justice. His all-knowing supremacy and ultimately, His Perfect plan.


He's got this!

Anything I can muster up to defend my kids, promote myself as the better placement, or investigate and "expose" crappy things the bio parents are doing is NOTHING compared to what my God can do. And I have got to let go of my own view of justice, my own view of how this system is "supposed" to work, because let's face it. It's a flawed system. Very, very flawed. Despite there being *some* very dedicated, honest people there who truly want whats best for these children, the system is simply flawed. (Talk about writing a book….there's another one! Ha!)

And I suppose to finish out the Disney ride analogy - then, without fear, I can enjoy the rest of that ride…because I LOVE a good roller coaster/ride!

In our own cases, here's an update:

DS:
Adoption paperwork and home study are complete, and are at the attorney's office. I signed last night and Jose is signing today!! Finalizing should happen this month, although there is a family member attempting to throw us a curve ball. We're not too worried (ok, truth: hubby isn't worried, I kind of am but I'm practicing what I preach and am trying to daily LET IT GO and give it to God!!) but praying that her threats are just that: threats; no follow-through.

L:
Mama is doing pretty good as far as case-plans go. She's supposedly got her own place now, and has a decent job. She expects L by Christmas, which we are being told won't happen. Mom has not been visiting very often at all. Follow-through is a big issue here, along with maturity and responsibility.
Dad is non-compliant with his case plan at the moment. Which, we've learned, really doesn't mean much. There's no "real" consequences, currently, for this. If he still is non-compliant when we go to court in Feb then he could be threatened with loss of parental rights but it probably won't happen right away. He still gets the right to see her (but hasn't in the past two weeks) at the office, supervised. (He lost unsupervised visitation rights without having ever even had an unsupervised visit. He's seen L a total of 3 times since the beginning of September)

So, that's where we are at! Thanks for journeying with us, praying for us, and sharing these stories. The more people are talking about foster care, the more awareness we bring to our communities. Hopefully, the more awareness we bring, the more people feel called to this whole fostering journey alongside of us. That's our prayer. No more children being bounced from home to home, sleeping in a hotel, or even in their case managers' office. No more over-crowded and over-used foster homes that then get burned out

Crazy System

One thing I've learned through this whole fostering process is that nothing is ever guaranteed. Visits? Nope. Parents staying on track? Nope. Case Managers doing what they say they'll do? Nope. Keeping the children's best interests in mind? Nope.

You'd think an organization that is established and intended for the WELFARE of the CHILD would do things, like, consider what's actually best for the child?? Yeah, I know. Novel idea.

Things that I hear that drive me crazy about this system and the people running it….

-A bio dad is granted unsupervised overnight visits, even though he just got out of jail for a felony
(yes you read that right…FELONY)

-A biological half-brother who isn't even 20 years old yet is a viable candidate for placement of an 18 month old.

-Sibling group of two spend over 2,000 days in foster care, had countless case managers and judges….the system failed these kids. Multiple times.

-Case workers saying they're going to drug test the bio parents before unsupervised visits only to find out that didn't happen.

-Bio parents not understanding this process AT ALL and thinking they deserve their child back because ….. well, they are "blood". (Because there isn't any other logical reason at the time…case plan? What case plan??)

The list could go on and on. Don't get me wrong, these aren't the only cases….there's stories of bio parents who got their act together and were reunified with their child(ren) and are doing great! As with anything, there's pros and cons I suppose.

There is SUCH a need for foster parents and foster families. I keep hearing what a "wonderful thing we're doing" and I just want to reply "If you think it's so great, why don't you do it?". I know, it's not for every season of life. And it is certainly hard, difficult, emotional, frustrating, annoying, disappointing, and a true roller-coaster ride. But these kids deserve loving homes. And God gives us the grace and strength to endure anything He puts in our path. So there's that ;)

Court Updates - September

((This was written back on September 9 and never posted…OOPS!))

Court update on L's case:

Unsupervised visits have been granted by the judge. Safety plan has been drafted and signed by bio parents, so as of yesterday afternoon they were informed of no more office visits with L.
(I found out this morning...because I was calling to schedule someone to pick L up from the house as hubby and I were headed to court with DS and the in-laws were home with the other 3)
They now have to inform myself and the case manager 24 hours in advance that they'd like to see her, how long, and where they will be (they still have to be in public places only). We have the right to say "no" if a particular day or time doesn't work for us. But here's what gets me: there's no "formal" or "official" standard for how many days or how long they can have her?? Seems totally weird to me, but oh well. My mantra for now is "That's not my job". ;)
So as of right now, they've "missed out" on today and tomorrow's visits because I haven't heard from anyone. Lovely. I hate feeling out of the loop. (Welcome to Foster Care, right? haha)

The better news is that we had a Judicial Review today for DS, in front of the panel (no judge). They reviewed all of the happenings since they last saw his case (back in April), were shocked at the situation he was placed in, or rather, removed from.....a family member who no longer wanted to adopt. They loved seeing him, loved hearing his improvements and stated that the adoption case plan goal date is 11/12/14, but unless we request to go back sooner, the next official court date is 2/5/15. They asked about family members requesting visitation, and seemed very supportive when his case manager said she was leaning towards not suggesting that, seeing as it was not a supportive environment before, and there's no telling if the family has gotten their lives back together or not.

So we're excited to see where this path takes us! We had a phenomenal report at the pediatrician yesterday. Healthy foster babies, no more medical tests for DS, and he's gaining weight! Praise Jesus. We're so blessed.

Bio Parents Aren't Always "The Bad Guy"

I've been thinking about this topic for a while now. Somehow, somewhere along the line, people have associated foster care with automatic adoptable kids. Some have associated foster care with awful kids, dead beat parents, behavior problems, runaways, psycho parents, awful rules, and a myriad of other things. While some of those may be true in some cases, it's not always the norm. (Aside from the dumb rules....most of the rules really are stupid)

One thing I've realized is that most people have a negative reaction when we tell them that L is most likely going home sometime around January. "Why??", they ask, with the best of intentions. Well, because her PARENTS are doing what they've been told to do (we think) and are getting their lives back together (as far as we know). In all seriousness - they have a right to have their daughter back if they are in fact doing those things. If the government tried passing a law that said "At the first offense, biological parents will loose the right to regain custody of their children" you'd better believe I'd be voting a big, fat NO on that one. Sometimes, it's just one dumb mistake that alters the course of your life forever. Luckily, most of us don't have huge consequences from the mistakes we've made. Some of our mistakes weren't broadcasted on Facebook or Instagram, snapchatted or tweeted. (Thank Goodness!!!) I can't imagine the devastation of loosing my children because of something I've done wrong - what if someone saw me spank our 3 year old and called DCF on me....I shouldn't have a right to get my child back IF they took him away? What if someone claimed they saw me doing drugs...I shouldn't have a right to get my kids back if I got clean and quit? That's a ridiculous claim, of course I should have that right. So why do we treat foster kids' bio parents as if they shouldn't have that right? They are people, too. Flawed, sinful people...JUST LIKE you and me. The catch is - are they recognizing their mistakes and truly changing their lifestyles. And, of course, if the answer to that is no, then obviously the child(ren) need(s) to remain in someone else's custody.

Let's vow to change the way we look at our foster kids' bio parents...
*Let's pray for them instead of think poorly of them
*Let's try to put ourselves in their shoes instead of looking down at them
*Let's make every effort to help them in their efforts to be better people instead of secretly wishing they'll fail
*Let's pray that they make the right decisions for their children's sake - sometimes severing ties and letting go is truly best, and I cannot even imagine having to make that decision.
*Let's pray for strength, determination, and most of all: salvation.


In L's case, we are working hard to develop some kind of a relationship with her parents. They're young, and we want to have a positive influence on them; and selfishly, to stay in touch so we can still see and interact with L once she's gone. They've attended church with us once, and we attempted dinner (didn't go over well....3 of the 4 kids were melting down. haha "Welcome to Parenthood!"). We stay in touch during the week and hopefully we can keep that up. That is, apparently, rare. (It shouldn't be...but it is) With DS's case - his bio parents' rights have been terminated so none of this even applies ;)


**Of course, in foster care, every single situation is different. There are circumstances that are extreme, and in some cases the biological parents should never, ever see their children again because of what they've done to/allowed to happen to their children. Please don't think I don't know this. I'm simply speaking that in general, this should be our approach WHEN POSSIBLE. Thanks for understanding and not biting my head off if you're in one of those more difficult situations. :)

September 2nd: 5 Things Tuesday

So it's 5 things Tuesday and I thought I'd share 5 things {most} foster parents wish they could say, but {usually} don't.
Sometimes we don't say it because we don't want to get into details.
Sometimes we don't say it because we don't want to get emotional.
Sometimes we don't say it because it wouldn't be very nice. ;)

But sometimes we do say them. In a nice way. As a warning. On a fostering blog.
So here we go:

1. Just because I'm fostering DOES NOT mean I can't have any {more} children. Although this very well could be the case, maybe I'm just taking Jesus' command to take care of these children literally! And either way....it's most likely none of your business. If I couldn't have kids and I wanted to discuss my fertility issues with you, I would have already. So please, don't go there.

2. Foster children are by no means responsible for their parents' poor choices. Please don't treat, think, or act as if they are "less" than any other child. Biological, adopted privately, adopted through foster care, or foster care kids are all precious in God's sight, regardless of their situation.

3. I am not a "saint" or a "super mom" because I have invited these children into my home. GOD TOLD ME TO. I am simply being obedient. Yes, it is hard. It's hard regardless of who birthed the child, me or someone else. They are sinful little boogers and we're trying to "train them up in the ways they should go" in the amount of time we've been given with them; long-term or short-term. **Sinful little boogers whom we LOVE SO MUCH ;)

4. Foster children getting adopted rarely happens within the first year of placement, unless a wide array of things fall into place first. (Our own situation with DS is far from normal) So, when you ask "do you get to keep her/him/them?" my answer will always be "for now". When you pry further and ask "well why should they go back?" my answer depends on the situation. Frankly, sometimes its the RIGHT THING for them to go back because their parents have done their jobs & gotten their lives back together. Other times it's not such a good thing, but bottom line is that I myself probably can't change that. I have to trust that ultimately the Lord loves this child more than I do and will protect him/her.

5. Just because a foster child is being difficult does not mean I can just "exchange him" for another one - seriously, some people think this way!?!? It's a CHILD. They, as I mentioned above, are sinful little boogers and we are trying to train them in right and wrong. The foster care system is not a grocery store to go and pick out your offspring. It's also not acceptable to me that {unless there are extenuating circumstances} people would just "swap out" a child because he/she isn't acting as deemed "appropriate" or "expected"...I mean, I get that there are extreme situations, and by all means, you must consider the safety of the children already in your home as well as yourself. But this is still a child's LIFE we're talking about. Most haven't had great {or ANY} positive examples of how to act, treat others, talk, use manners, etc. They NEED loving, stable homes.


Thanks for reading. If you're not a foster parent, please don't think we would be upset with you over these situations....probably a better way to phrase our feelings would be to say we're frustrated with the lack of understanding of the system. And frankly, sometimes WE don't understand the system either. :)
If you ARE a foster parent and have something to add, PLEASE DO! Feel free to comment or email us!

Our First Day in Court

I know I promised an update on how court for L went....so here goes!


On Wednesday morning I got myself and L ready, brought clothes for Jose (who had been at work and would be returning to work after), and left the three boys with my amazing in-laws. Y'all, I was NERVOUS! I even forgot Jose's belt and shoes. :) Luckily, he had some from work that would do just fine. I picked him up at the fire station and off we went towards the courthouse.

After parking, loading L in the stroller and walking in, we had to then take her OUT of the stroller, go through the security checkpoint, get her back INTO the stroller, and head to the third floor. We arrived about 10 minutes early and her bio parents, the caseworker and the guardian were already there. Now, we've been on pretty good terms with her parents so it's not so much nerves/anxiety about them specifically, more about how the panel (this time we were not in front of a judge) was going to handle their progress and their requests.

Bio mom immediately wanted to hold her, which of course is fine, and so we began our wait....we were supposed to get called in at 11....yeah, right. In the meantime, L was getting fussy because 11:30 is nap time for her, and when we're not at home and she's not in her bed, she has a much harder time going to sleep.
L was all dolled up in a cute dress with a big bow on her head...which she started playing with. She proceeded to pull it out and let go .... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! When she had let go, it snapped her in the forehead....oops! ;) While it was kind of funny (to us), bio mom felt so bad and L was being SO loud. She is a very emotional little girl and makes her feelings known, that's for sure. To top it off, she was tired, so this little incident just made matters worse. She wailed and wailed for the longest time, but mom was persistent and finally was able to not only calm her, but get her to sleep. Without our help (other than handing her a paci and a blanket for L), without losing her cool, and all while in a cute dress and heels ;) I was impressed. It was the first time I really got to see her handle a stressful situation with L (one that makes ANY mama cringe!) and I was pleased to see how she took care of it.

Anyways, we finally got called into the panel room around 11:45. We all sat down, introduced ourselves and the panel got started asking questions. They asked the case manager how the case plan was coming along. They asked us how L was doing. They asked the case manager how bio parents were with L (one panel member asked us the same thing, as we see them with her more than the case worker does; she doesn't supervise visits). They asked mom and dad how they felt things were going ("not fast enough"). Then the case manager said she was suggesting unsupervised visits. Without hesitation, no questions asked, the panel granted their request. Now, I'm not necessarily against them having unsupervised visits. I just wish they would have asked some (I believe) important questions:

-Do you have transportation of your own? (no)
-Where will you take her, since there is no approved home study and you can't take her to your house?
-How many days/hours are we requesting?
-Who can accompany you on these visits?


I was hoping for a clear outline of how this was going to work, which didn't happen. The judge still has to approve the request, which may or may not happen. (I'm thinking she might request answers to those, or more, questions)

And then, one panel member asks "So are we going to suggest overnight visits as well?"

My heart DROPPED to the floor. Jose later said he even heard me gasp or choke (I hope he was the only one, haha) Thankfully, the case manager, guardian, and attorney for the department all quickly said "no!". There is no approved home study so this cannot happen until they are completely done with their case plan, and have a cleared home.

Then, just like that, we were done! It was so quick, and we don't go back until January 8, so there were still many questions left unanswered.

I felt better after talking to the case manager the next day. She answered a lot of those questions for me and helped me understand the unsupervised visits a little better.

-Bio parents have to check in 24 hours in advance and tell the CM where they are going to be taking L
-They have to get their transportation approved and have proof of insurance
-The guardian as well as the CM will stop by the visits every so often
(And if they aren't where they said they'd be: big trouble)

Although I didn't get an answer to my "how many days a week and for how long on those days" question, she did assure me that the visits have to be pre-planned, and can't simply be on a "hey, we want to see our daughter today" whim.

It was great to see how God worked everything out - from mom and dad being so easy-going and hands-on with L prior to going into court, the CM and others being quick to deny overnights, to having our friend from Florida Baptist Children's Homes in there with us for support (and a yummy lunch afterwards!). He really is our rock, our provider, and comfort. We couldn't be doing this without His guidance and strength.

Now that we have this court experience under our belt, we are anxious to see how DS's court date on 9/10 goes. Probably nothing like this one - their cases couldn't be more opposite. But hey, that's what we signed up for. Every child comes from a unique situation and could potentially have a different outcome.

5

Stole this idea from my best friend, Leslyn. Read her blog here. She's awesome. 

{We've been friends since, forever and she's pretty much one of my all-time favorite people, and she's a new mommy. LOVE that newborn phase, but it just gets more fun!!}

So I've been trying to find ways to keep myself blogging regularly, and this is just one of the ways I found that I think will work. 5 random things, 5 funny things, 5 foster kid related things, 5 whatever things I want to write about today.....yeah. I'm making Tuesdays "5 Things Tuesdays". Or I should say I'm going to attempt to.  :)

These are just {some} of the funny things I've found myself dealing with lately:

5. My check-in badge stickers at the church nursery are taller than my 3.5 year old...

(We get one of the bottom kind, and two of the top kind PER KID....all on one long strip. I should take a picture next time! It's hilarious. The children's director told me today I should just have a fast pass. I totally agree!!)

4. People ask how you handle four kids under age four......I live by this rule:

 

Needless to say, our house is very RARELY quiet...especially with the three that are mobile being boys. They can get LOUD and ROUGH but it's so fun :)

3. I constantly find myself laughing at things the kids are saying/doing, such as:

 DS's favorite new words are "no" and "all done" (so he can get up from his seat after eating, his least favorite thing to do)

C's favorite new saying is "No, DS, don't do that/don't hit/don't take my planes/don't push" and other ways to pretend to be the boss.

D's new favorite word is "baba" (bottle) and "MORE!" (more food. he's a tank that one)

L is just babbling, but I promise it sounds like she's saying "mama" and "dada" sometimes!

2. You know you're a foster parent (or parent of tons of kids) when you have boxes of size 1, size 2, size 3, size 4 AND size 5 diapers in the nursery....all of which are being used/almost used. 

(L is in 1s but almost into 2s, DS is in 3s but almost to 4s and D is in 4s almost to 5s...)

(I found this image on google but this is fairly accurate....I'd take a pic of our stash but the babes are sleeping nobody wants to disturb THAT!)

1. I will do anything within my power to get all 4 napping at the same time. Anything! Today, I achieved it partially because we had Bible Study at church in the morning so the two middle boys skipped their regular morning nap and only took a quick cat nap in the car. SCORE! Lunch, play time and then BAM, all four zonked out at the same time. Yay!

And now all but the 3 year old are in bed and sleeping (I think!) so I'm going to get that one in bed, too, so I can have my "mommy time". Y'all have a great night! Oh, and please keep us in your prayers tomorrow at 11am. We are going to court with L and hopefully lunch with her parents after. :)

Why "Waiting for a Sign" is Hogwash

I was reading a friends' blog the other day and she nailed something I've been wanting to write about again for a while. With this whole fostering process we've gotten a lot of interesting remarks, especially since we started.

Some have questioned if we can "have any more of our own" (as far as we know, yes)

Some have questioned if "this is the right time because our boys are so young and still needy" (yes, but so are these kids that have nowhere else to go. We want our boys to grow up knowing this is what the Lord calls us to do, so we do it, as inconvenient or difficult or strange as it might seem to others)

Some have wondered why "we would take more than one...now we have 4 under age 4, isn't that insane?" (yes, it is. But it felt right and has been extremely difficult yet immensely rewarding)

Some have asked if "we will do this forever or just for a season", and in that case "why do it now, why not wait until your boys are older?" (Because the world does not revolve around them. Yes, we have to take into account what is best for them, but at the end of the day God's calling trumps my kids' desire not to share his room or toys)

I could go on and on. Then there's also the famous statement "I COULD NEVER DO THAT!" (Remember, I talked about in a previous post how I used to say the exact same thing!! Be careful what you say! HA!) And here's where that kind of gets me. Please know I'm speaking from experience, having been at that exact same state of mind. The post (linked above) that I wrote was before we had even officially received our license. Not that our opinions have changed since then, but I now have more of a "leg" to stand on! 

Many times we sit and think, "Well, God, if you want me to do *x y z*, then I need you to really speak to me and give me a clear sign." While that may be appropriate for college choices or job decisions, I do not believe it applies here. Read what my friend Hannah wrote about her experience in preparing for a Missions Trip and her struggle with this very issue:

Prior to this trip, I had been praying to the Lord if I should go on this mission trip. I kept on telling my husband yes, but still praying on the side if this is really what God wanted me to do. I never did get a “feeling” or a sign that I should go, instead I just chose to stand firm and have faith on the word that Jesus gave, “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations…” (Matthew 28:19) and also, “you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the earth.”(Acts 1:8). You see, there’s this term I’ve learned in Christian culture about “feeling lead” to do something or go somewhere, ‘because I have a heart for these people, this city, this country, this place so I will help’… But I do not recall anywhere in Scripture that justifies with these statements. Instead I used these statements to justify my flesh, or lack thereof of just simply DOING what God has commanded:

“Love your neighbor as yourself.”- Matthew 22:39
“We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him?“- 1 John 3:16-17
“Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.“- Isaiah 1:17
” for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me’.”- Matthew 25:42-45

I went home that night in awe, and then awoke the very next morning repenting and crying before the Lord. I can’t explain how my heart just felt broken inside. I curled up into a ball on the bed simply just crying. He showed me that He didn’t call me to love places, He didn’t call me to feel comfortable, He called me to love people. He calls His children to love people. We shouldn’t wait to get a “feeling or sign” from God to love people, we simply just go and do it! We shouldn’t wait to get a “feeling or sign” from God to make disciples of all nations, to be His witnesses to the ends of the earth, we simply just go and do it! Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments.” -(John 14:15). So let’s read His Word first and simply follow what it says. Through this the Lord will clearly show you His will for you, and will close or make a way for you to pursue it, just like He has done for Paul many times in the Bible. Let’s not sit and wait around, let’s be proactive in our faith!  I dare you to be so brave to follow the Lord wherever He takes you, through the leading of His Holy Word and Holy Spirit!  Better a YES to the Lord, than no action at all.


WOW! She nailed it. We so often WAIT for God to "show" or "tell" us something that he's already been so very clear about in Scripture. In James 1:27 it says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and widows in their distress." This is simply ONE of the MANY scriptures that look at orphans and makes it clear that this is our calling. 

I'm SO thankful that adoption has somewhat come out of the "you only adopt if you can't have your own kids" rut. I mean, there are still people who think that way, but there's been a large movement towards adoption becoming much more normal and wide-spread. I pray the same happens for foster care. There is SUCH a need for good, stable, healthy, CHRISTIAN foster homes!! And while I'm not saying that the Bible says every Christian should be a foster parent, the Bible IS clear - we all should be doing SOMETHING. 

Please pray about what God is trying to say to you through these verses. There are tons of ways to help even if you feel that in this particular life stage, fostering or adopting isn't for you and your family. There are so many areas to volunteer, host a diaper drive, clothing drive, go help a group home with an event, tutor some foster kids who are having trouble in school.....the list goes on and on. Most of all? PRAY. Pray for the kids who have been removed from their families. Even if it's a negative situation they are escaping, they are mourning that loss. Pray for the biological parents and families to either complete their case plan and become better caregivers, or realize that they are beyond help and do what is best for their child(ren) and allow them to have a healthy forever home with someone else. Pray for the foster parents who only take in shelter kids for the short term. Pray for the foster parents who take kids long-term and then have those kids reunified with their parents. I cannot even imagine the physical and emotional pain this can cause. It's truly a bittersweet thing. Pray for foster families all across our county and state, and our whole nation. This is a tough gig.....and we're dealing with a government entity that supports biology over nurture most of the time. 
Pray that everyone will keep these children's best interest in mind and make decisions accordingly.
Thank you!!!



Read Hannah's entire blog post here. And read her other posts, too. She's very transparent and really, really loves the Lord! :)

Shift Day Freak Out

Hey there. Ashley here. Well, I'm going to confess something tonight.

Shhhh.....don't tell anyone.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, yet at the same time a little proud....


I'm probably one of the best social media "investigators"  (read: STALKER) ever. Yes, that's a self-proclaimed title. Now, don't worry. Unless you're either one of my foster kids' bio parents (or grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, babysitters...etc), or you've fallen off the face of the earth and I want to make sure you haven't died or gotten into some shady stuff, you're most likely NOT a victim. But still, I'm pretty good. I can find "stuff" and make connections like nobody's business. Instagram and Facebook are my faves....I haven't ventured into other avenues quite yet. Call me old-fashioned. (ha!)

You know when you're sick, and you google your symptoms to make yourself feel better, but you always end up feeling worse because Google claims you're dying? Well, sometimes the social media "investigating" does that, too. :-(

Today I was "checking up" on DS's former caregivers and found out that a lot of shady family members were allowed to see him even though they probably shouldn't have been. There's pictures to prove it. (And yes, you better believe I have screen shots!) It's crazy how in a little over a month and a half this little guy has made his place in my heart forever. I couldn't help but let my mama bear instincts out when I saw these pictures and I was honestly an emotional mess the rest of the day.

It's just a few pictures...but this is possibly my son's life we're talking about here. He doesn't need these crazy, wild, party-animal people in his life. It's not in his best interest, even if they do happen to have the same blood pumping through their veins. Some dear friends of ours used a slogan as they were going through an international adoption process: "Love Runs Deeper than Blood." I still wear my t-shirts with pride because that statement is SO TRUE. Blood is great, family is awesome. But that doesn't give you an automatic "pass" or "ticket" into someone's life.

So, best part of this, is that it's "Shift Day", which means hubby doesn't get home until 9am. Yay. Of course I called him and he's so comforting....."there's nothing you can do about it, it's in God's hands". Both true statements. And there really is comfort in that, I'm NOT being sarcastic :)

But, if y'all could do me a favor.....
1) Please pray for us as we go to court on 9/10 with DS. We aren't exactly sure who could show up as far as family and former care givers go. Parental rights have been terminated but there has been contact so we don't know what to expect. Our case worker is on vacation at the moment which doesn't help because we can't pick her brain :)
2) To my foster parent (even former ones), if  you've dealt with anything similar, please comment and share  your stories if you could. It makes me feel better to know there are others dealing (or have dealt) with the same/similar situations and to know I'm not crazy for reacting so strongly. It's just a "gut feeling", you know?


Thanks guys. The amount of responses we've gotten to this blog are overwhelming and so encouraging. We aren't doing this for recognition or accolades. We are doing this because we feel so strongly that this is what the Lord has for our family at this time. He's blessed us beyond measure in just these few short months (although it feels like L and DS have always been here) and we are just humbled and honored that He would see us as "fit parents" for not only our own biological children but other people's children as well. So as tough as it is to be this transparent sometimes, we want to write this blog "in good times and in bad" ;)

Back to School Prayer List

Todays' update is more of a list of prayer requests. 'Cause that's just where we're at right now :)

- Jose is starting college classes tomorrow to finish up his associate's degree (for now)...He has two online classes (one being a mini-semester) and one on campus. Please pray for time management and wisdom for him, patience and energy for Ashley with the kids, and for financial aid to come through soon! :)

- We go to court with L next week! Pray for nerves (Ashley), clarity (all those involved), and for truth to be told so wise decisions can be made...all in the BEST interest of this precious little girl.

- There is an outstanding medical bill for L that her parents haven't paid back from when L was born in February. This bill has now been put in our name for whatever reason and we're kind of getting the run around for getting it OUT of our name. We don't want this delinquent bill affecting our credit.

- Continued wisdom as we fill out adoption paperwork and go further down that path with DS. We want to make sure this is what God wants for him as well as us.

Thanks Y'all!!

Mini Update on DS

I forgot to mention our recent, awesome, news about DS!

On Monday, the nice lady from Early Steps came to our house to evaluate DS and see if he really was behind/had the issues his former caregivers claimed he did. She came in and sat on our playroom rug with her notepad and laptop, while DS sat in my lap across from her. He was NOT thrilled about this stranger being in our house. He has been very hesitant about new people, and takes a while to warm up. She started by asking me a variety of questions....
"Does he recognize you all/his family as family members?"
"Does he react when your husband comes home from work?"
"How does he handle strangers?" (um...pretty much how he handled YOU. ha!)
"Does he like to read?"
"Does he play well with other kids?"

On and on. She brought out some toys and tried to get DS to play with her. THAT took a while. He would go grab the toy and run back to my lap. :) Eventually he did warm up to her though, and performed multiple assessment tasks way beyond his age "requirement". He even completed a few "36 month" tasks! Proud foster mom over here. She tallied his scores and homeboy scored OFF THE CHARTS in EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY!!! Delays?? What in the world. I knew this kid was perfectly fine :)

So, while there are some other tests/evaluations we need to have done (more medical, nothing else developmental), this was a huge answer to prayer, relief, and sign that we're headed in the right direction with DS, our sweet little redhead.

"Supervising The Visit"

Building a relationship with the parents of any of our foster children was something I (Ashley) had a very hard time wrapping my head around. I had only seen the negative sides of these bio parents in various cases my friends had dealt with and was extremely stand-off-ish about the idea of being "friends" (or even remotely close to that) with them. My incredible husband was totally all about it...the awesome people-person that he is ;)

However, as we took our PRIDE (foster parent training) classes and talked to more foster parents, support workers, and case workers, God began to change my heart on this aspect of being a foster parent. Now, let me preface this by saying that every case is different and in some cases this would not be safe, wise, or anywhere near beneficial. But I believe in some situations this can be a very positive thing. In DS's case, a relationship with his biological parents will not ever happen. Rights are already terminated so it's not even an issue. Extended family could be a possibility, and that's an ongoing prayer request of ours. We haven't decided yet or figured out how that would look. But in L's case, the parents are extremely young and we can see ourselves being drawn to them. To help, encourage, love, listen, pray, invite, include, teach, show, be an example, mentor, and yes....friend. And today hopefully sparked that interest in journeying through this process together, as a team, for the long haul.

Since we had L, we have tried to meet up with her parents a few times. Father's Day, a doctor's appointment, and a Fourth of July event at our church. Always: last minute excuses as to why they couldn't come. We continued pursuing them, and finally arranged the first "Supervised-by-Us" visit. Now, I firmly believe there was some Spiritual warfare going on, trying to make this visit not happen. First, dad cancelled because he had to work an extra shift last minute, so mom's mom was going to come instead. (Which we were ok with, but we were really looking forward to talking to THEM, not her mom) Then, our second-born got sick with Hand Foot Mouth Disease (not as serious as it sounds but very uncomfortable and contagious) on Monday. Next, our foster son, DS, started with a fever Wednesday morning, which is the first "sign" of HFMD...so my incredible in-laws came over to watch the middle two boys and off we went with our oldest and youngest :)

We met up at Chick-fil-A (because where else would you meet? Cracker Barrel? Well, that would've been my first choice if it had been closer to our second stop...hehe) and shared a meal while C played in the play area. We asked if we could pray for our food, and they immediately said "yes, please!" and held out their hands...wow! Great conversation followed, and the day really did turn out better than I ever could have hoped. Mom stated that she felt "blessed" to have us as "her" foster parents and that she was so thankful for us including her in outings like this. She is very determined to finish her case plan and get her daughter back, which is so refreshing to see/hear after so many stories of bio parents who don't give a rip. Grandma even made a statement about how they would like us to stay involved in their lives after "all of this" is done. Wow, Lord, thank you! That's exactly what we are praying for. 

It's just a start...but everyone's gotta start somewhere. Please join us in praying for L, her mom & dad, grandparents and our brand new friendship. Thanks y'all!!

And then there were four....kids....under...age...4...

Hey y'all. So the "weekly updates" I was hoping to write obviously didn't happen. Silly me. I forgot that I'm a mom. ;)

Let's go back a few weeks, and I'll tell  you the story of how we got foster child #2!

On a Tuesday evening, Florida Baptist Children's Homes had an informational meeting. We had really promoted it to our friends, family, and even random people we met at the water park (No, really. That happened!), so we figured we should go and support our "recruits" and then we were going out to dinner..."Date Night"! :)

We walked into the room and our lovely support worker, Judy, asks us "Hey, do you guys want another little boy?"

We both just look at each other and laugh...more like nervous chuckle, maybe.

Adjusting to three was going well, but there were definitely rough spots. We had gotten numerous texts and calls about other placements since getting "L" and had turned everything else down. I just wasn't sure if I could handle another one. I wanted to take in another foster child, just wasn't sure if I was really ready. The conversation continued:

Judy: "No, really. I have an 18 month old boy returning to care tomorrow afternoon. He's being brought to the office and we need somewhere for him to go. I know you want a girl....but....he's also free and clear for adoption."

Oh, junk. She just said the A word!! WHAT?! When we initially inquired about foster care and adopting through foster care we were told that the above-mentioned scenario basically never happens (being asked to take a placement that is already cleared for adoption, especially a younger child). Except it does, now and then, in very few, isolated cases. Like this one, apparently.

Deep breath.

Judy: "Here, read the child study. Oh, and here's a picture of him." (Handing me her phone)

Oh. My. Lanta.

He's cute. And when I read that child study write up I was choked up, angry, sad, and frustrated all at the same time. You see, he was being returned to the system by his own family members who had almost completed the adoption process themselves. The only home he's ever known. The home he's lived in since he was approximately 3 months old. The negative things said about this poor baby worried me a little, but strangely enough I just had a peace. 

We stayed the whole meeting, spoke to the group about why we became foster parents, answered some questions, and then headed out to dinner. We discussed the possibility of taking in this boy, adopting him, long term/short term, medical issues (there are supposedly a few), the kids already at home, etc.

We agreed that if the other family who was praying about taking him passed, we would take him.

I texted Judy that night telling her we'd take him if the other family didn't. The next day, Wednesday, July 9th, around 4pm we had another little boy in the house!

So, with that preamble....here's our current update:

Foster kid(s) in home:  Two! "L" and "DS"
Age(s): 5 months old (L), and 18 months old (DS)
Recent Milestones:
L: is able to take her paci out AND put it back in....most of the time. ;) She likes to play in the pack n play because the boys can't get to her! She likes sitting in the bumbo seat or the jumper and observing everyone. Trying to "crawl" and "sit"....kind of. She'll be there soon, though!
DS: Getting adjusted to us, our home, our routine, our expectations. Getting love and positive attention has really helped his demeanor.
Habits:
L: Is getting attached.....she freaks out when we leave her line of sight.
DS: Had a lot of bad habits formed at his former placement; tantrums, hitting, etc. But it's getting better. He's realizing we don't accept that kind of behavior.
I sleep on my:
L: Belly, mostly. Recently she's been better about going into her crib awake and putting herself to sleep. I'd say this happens half of the time...the other half she needs us to pat her.
DS: He rolls around quite a bit before settling in on his belly. He's a good sleeper for the most part!
At nap time I need:
L: Paci, sound machine, and either her bed or the car seat IN the car....she's gotten a little more picky.
DS: Blankie and bed. He doesn't fall asleep easily in the car...
Eating habits:
L: 5 oz every 3 hours
DS: Anything dry and crunchy is easy (cheerios, puffs, graham crackers, pop tarts, etc), other than that it's pretty hit or miss. He was primarily on a liquid diet before coming to us....so we are introducing him to various foods and the concept of eating meals vs drinking them.
Family dynamic: Everyone's doing pretty well! L loves watching the boys, DS is learning how to play with Daniel and Caleb appropriately and learning that we don't hit. Daniel is walking now and into everything. Caleb is learning how to share and not to be bossy ;)
Other notes:
We are meeting L's mom and dad at a kid-favorite public spot this upcoming week and could use prayer! We want to develop a relationship with them so if/when she goes back, we can still be kept in the loop (at least), if not be semi-involved in her life. We also want to show them Jesus, and explain why we are doing what we're doing. We've tried to meet up with them a few times and it's never worked, so we're also praying that they actually show up! :)
Case updates:
L: Court the end of this month.....they want unsupervised visits so we will see how that goes.
DS: Court beginning of September...we've started the adoption paperwork and will see where that takes us!

Our First!!

Here's an update for those of you following our fostering journey....

On May 29 we were officially licensed (around 11am). At 5:30pm that same day we had our first placement in our arms! Granted, we'd been planning for her (yes....it's a SHE!!!! I was doing a happy dance for days!) coming to us for about a week or so, so it wasn't a complete surprise. But it was an adjustment nonetheless. Going from two boys to two boys and a girl; from one (fairly) independent and one attempting to be, to those two PLUS one who is completely DEpendent on us; more bottles, more formula, more diapers....did I mention she is only 3 months old?? :-)

I'll write more about that later. For right now, I want to start an update questionnaire that will kind of give ya'll an inside look into our fostering process, family dynamics, and updates on the kids every other week (ish). For updates on our biological kids, check out my personal blog here. (No promises on being diligent on updating but I will TRY!!)

Foster kid(s) in home:  just one, we'll call her "L" :)
Age(s): 3 months old
Milestones this week: She's finally getting on a routine with us (or maybe we're the ones finally getting on HER routine. Ha!) She rolled over from her back to her belly and was NOT very happy about that initially...
Habits: She does this thing where she puts her arm/hand over her eyes when you're holding her and she's falling asleep.....every time it makes me think she's being dramatic "oh my life is so difficult" but really, it's kinda cute.
I sleep on my: Back, initially; but since she's learned how to roll over she's quickly becoming a belly sleeper.
At nap time I need: If she's sleeping in the bouncer, car seat or swing she needs a blanket to hold on to. She always need her paci! When she's in her room we have a sound machine on to drown out our two {very loud} boys :)
Eating habits: She takes 4 oz of formula every 2.5-3 hours. She's tiny so I don't mind feeding her a bit more often...;)
Family dynamic: We are getting used to being a family of 5! Not going to lie, there are days where it is super difficult. But I think that would be any child, not just a foster child. It's more about juggling the three kids and their schedules than L's case...her case seems very straight-forward and fairly simple, which I'm grateful for. It being our first and all.
Other notes: L is getting used to the boys! She actually smiles at them while watching them play or be silly. Our youngest, D, likes to crawl over and "eat" her feet or her hands, depending on what he can get to...of course we don't condone this but hey....he's pretty quick sometimes.
We don't have current weight or height as her last dr visit was almost a month ago. We'll be taking her at the end of this month. She's tiny, so I can't wait to see how much she weighs.
Size 1 diapers, size 0-3 or 3 month clothes.
We met bio mom & dad last week. They are very nice, very young, and very determined to do everything they need in order to get their daughter back. It's so encouraging to see them owning their mistakes and trying to better themselves for her. Honestly I thought it was going to be very difficult "sharing" her, but God has just calmed my spirit and given me so much peace. He is awesome. We are very hopeful that mom and dad will be awesome parents for "our" little L once she goes back to them.

This brings me to our last question:

Case updates: We won't have court until August, where we will have more of a timeline (we're guessing). We are happy to keep L as long as need be, but for her sake if she's going back to mom and dad (which she probably is), I'd rather it be as soon as they can support themselves and her, so that she doesn't remember too much of this moving around from home to home stuff. Hopefully we can maintain a healthy relationship with her parents so that we can stay informed, if not involved, with her in the future.


I'm hoping to update weekly. Thanks for your prayers and support.

The dreaded "F" word....

Ok, not the "F" word you're probably thinking of. Shame on you ;)

FOSTERING

As in, you know, FOSTER CARE, FOSTER CHILD, FOSTER PARENT, FOSTER HOME....

Why do so many of us have a negative connotation associated with those words? Perhaps we've had a bad experience. Maybe we've been "burned" by "the system" or we are simply afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of the potential hurt, risk, danger, attachment, influence, you name it....

But let me speak to my fellow Christians here for a minute. It is a Biblical mandate to care for orphans and widows. Do I believe that means everyone is called to this? Actually, yes I do! It may look different for different people and take on different "forms" of "care", but I do firmly believe all Christians are called to this.
The Bible has a lot to say about orphans and widows....
(all NIV)

Exodus 22:22 "Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless"

Deuteronomy 10:18 "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner living among you, giving them food and clothing."

Psalm 68:5 "A Father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in His Holy dwelling."

Psalm 82:3 "Defend the weak and the fatherless, uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed."

Isaiah 1:17 "Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow."

Zechariah 7:10 "Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other."

Our favorite verse right now is James 1:27. Here it is in a few different translations:

NIV: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and widows in their distress and to keep onesself from being polluted by the world."

The Message: "Anyone who sets himself up as “religious” by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

NET: "Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their misfortune and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

New Life Version "Religion that is pure and good before God the Father is to help children who have no parents and to care for women whose husbands have died who have troubles. Pure religion is also to keep yourself clean from the sinful things of the world."


Listen, we weren't always so gung-ho about this either. We have had a lot of friends who have fostered over the years and we've seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and the (still) unresolved. We've seen the system work and we've seen the system fail miserably. But one thing remains the same: kids are coming into foster care at an alarmingly high rate and there are not enough foster homes to take them in.

There are plenty of excuses why not to foster.....
....we don't have room!
....we have our own kids.
...we can't afford more kids.
...we struggle enough taking care of our own kids.
...we don't have the time to invest in them.
...our kids are still too small.
...I don't want to get too attached.
...I don't think I could handle the tough situations/abuse/neglect/etc.

There's plenty more where those came from but you get the idea. And to be honest? I've probably said those very same things at least once...each! But in January of this year God got ahold of my heart and completely changed my outlook on this thing called foster care. 

I believe the word-for-word sentence that has come out of my mouth multiple times is this: 
                "It takes a very special person to be able to foster...and that is just not me."
Well, I should know better by now than to say something like that out loud. I am totally eating my words  - God has completely changed my heart and my mind.

Here's how the whole thing kind of came about: My husband and I have spoken about adoption multiple times. It's something near and dear to our hearts and we definitely want to adopt at some point. So, in January of 2014 I contacted the regional director for Florida Baptist Childrens Homes. We spoke for a while, and I voiced our interest in "fostering to adopt". She explained how it really doesn't work that way and they can't guarantee anything when a child is placed in our home. You have to just "go with the flow" more or less. A little disappointed, but still feeling like God opened this door for a reason, we decided to continue pursuing FBCH and attended our first Foster Care Licensing class. I think almost immediately we both felt like we were there for a reason - and we should definitely pursue foster care, without any "strings attached". 

Long story short, by week 2 or so we were ready to go. "Bring on another kid!" we joked. We've opened our hearts and home to whatever the Lord wants to use them for....a week, a few months, or forever. We are just saying "Here we are, Lord. Use us!"

And we will keep you posted along the journey!




If you'd like more information on Foster Care through Florida Baptist Childrens Homes, please email us at santanafosteradopt@gmail.com and we can get you in touch with the "right people".

Family Introduction

We are the Santanas.
We got married in 2007, bought our first home in 2009, had our first son in February of 2011, and our second in July of 2013. Jose is a firefighter/paramedic and Ashley is a SAHM. Our older son (C) is 3 years old and our youngest (D) is 10 months old.

We have discussed at various times in our relationship the issue of adoption. Ashley was adopted and so the topic has always been very dear to her heart. We looked into different adoption agencies, different countries, etc but never really "settled" on anything in particular.

Let me pause here to explain why we feel strongly about adoption. We see it not only as a Biblical mandate to care for orphans (and widows; see James 1:27 as well as other posts) but also as a beautiful picture of the Gospel. When we couldn't help ourselves, when we didn't even realize that we needed help, Jesus gave Himself for us, thereby allowing us to be forever adopted into God's family. We want our biological children to see and understand diversity, true obedience to Christ, living out our faith, and learn to love people with different backgrounds and cultures.

We are still at the very beginning stages of our foster care journey. We are waiting for our license to come in so we can start making a difference for these kids.

In Collier County there are LESS THAN 50 Foster homes and MORE THAN 200 children in foster care. Those numbers are ridiculously off-balance. We realize we are still new to this, and don't have a lot of experience yet. But it doesn't take "experience" to tell you that those numbers don't match up, and an innocent child shouldn't have to be separated from their siblings, moved out of the county, or bounced from home to home simply due to a lack of available, loving, foster homes. Feeling so strongly about this, we have decided to make it our mission to not only love on these children, but to recruit new foster families to join us in doing so. Please let us know if there's anything we can do - answer questions, point you in the right direction, go introduce you to some people, etc. We will do whatever we can to promote foster care and get more help.

Thanks for stopping by! Keep checking back for more posts as our foster care journey continues.